... of glowsticks & dice

Places: Rongshui county, China
Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ingredients:
1 Sturdy Wuling van
Several dozen of Miao minority people
A handful of drunk party officials
2 Combatant ponies
As much rice wine as is available

Plough the van through 3 hours worth of mountain dirt roads. Unleash party officials on Miao minority girls and rice wine. Watch ponies fight. Ponder meaning of life.

Rongshui is a small city, or at a broader level, a county in northern Guangxi, China. Many people of the Miao-minority reside in this region, and as a result, visiting the area is much like going to the zoo for the Chinese. Several designated 'model villages' exist where every day, troups of (mostly Chinese) tourists are loaded and unloaded and entertained for the day. So, too, were we.

Rongshui: Venice of the east

On arrival, visitors are greeted with an obligatory bowl of rice wine instead of empty buckets. Then, the cheerful Miao, obviously ecstatic and overcome with joy by our surprise visit to their wonderful village, burst into singing a special minority rendering of 'The East is Red'. A nearby party official assured me that we were the only outsiders to ever have witnessed this. The Chinese show their great appreciation with a half-arsed round of applause and move inside for a session of their national sports; eating. A most orgasmic pleasure for the company I am so fortunate to share my table with, and while they all point out one delicious, unique minority dish after the other I cannot help but think, it's still just rice and vegetables to me.

Quickly does my mood change however, when the first girls appear, and in their hands the anticipated bottles of rice wine. Aforementioned party official now shows an even bigger grin and assures me that "we will never drink as much as we will drink tonight". But first, the ritual! The Miao girls approach their unsuspecting customers, yank them by their ears, and pour a bowl of drink down their throats. To this I can relate! Further enhanced is my joy when it becomes clear that it is customary to retaliate and grab said girl, pin her to the ground, and make her drink three times as much. At least, the party officials seem to be under this assumption, but the girls themselves seem to have temporarily forgotten about this tradition and flee into the back rooms. Understandable my disappointment, then, when I am left without rice wine.

Fighting horses, where art thou?

Visitors are not given much time to weep, however, as the clattering of hooves can be heard from the courtyard, where ponies are made to fight to the death! Surely nothing will withhold these ferocious minority creatures from whinnying each other to bits? I am wrong again, as the ponies briefly engage in some sort of clapping game and then retreat to the stables for a smoke and a game of cards, having brought in the revenue for the day.

But it doesn't stop here, as the campfire is lit and out come the girls again, cautiously and without booze. They throw a few things into the crowd and proclaim that the lucky gentlemen having catched one of these can step forward and proceed to be married to the girls. It must have been somewhere during this sentence that my boasting friend the party official placed one in my lap. Fast forward through half an hour of emptying cups of rice wine and giving each of the girls a piggy-back ride, we are now married and have to pay our brides a small wedding fee. Gah, tricked! I give her 5 mao ($0,05) and the crowd boos me off the stage.

Disappointment again. I spend the rest of my evening a confused, emotional wreck. I am a living set of blue balls. The special minority food turned out to be the exact same as everything else you can eat in this country. The drunken orgy of females and rice wine was quickly dismantled by my over-eager companions. The horses were ponies and their fight was reminiscent of a nursery throw down. I got myself a minority wife, but had to pay for it and wasn't allowed to take her back to the hotel. I was scammed, robbed of my honour, my money, and my pleasure. Rongshui, you could have been it all, but you weren't.

Final rating:
Three stars!
So close, but never quite there. It's a good idea, this Rongshui place, but let this be a lesson for them. I'll be back to see if they do any better in the future... What I marry, stays mine!