Azumi
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Ingredients:
One female samurai
Many male samurai
One homosexual samurai
Ninjas
Add female samurai to male samurai. Divide by 2. Add ninjas. Subtract ninjas. Add homosexual samurai. Subtract all male samurai. Subtract homosexual samurai. What is left?
Azumi, that's what is left. Here's a warning that goes for all past, present, and future posts: spoilers left, right, and center! If you have any intent of watching this movie anytime soon, don't read this. Or read it, and then drink yourself into a coma straight after. Your choice.
Azumi starts with Azumi (surprise), still a child at this point in the movie, being found by a bunch of homeless samurai whilst mourning next to her mother's dead body. They take her in and soon she has become a fully respected member of the hobo clan. They then train for about ten years, and as quoted from wikipedia:
Azumi is raised in the martial skills of samurai and shinobi sword fighting,
sashimi cooking, wasabi tolerating, ohayo saying, kamikaze flying, and the art
of assassination.
Upon reaching the end of their training, the ten warriors are lined up by their sensei and made to choose their bestest friend as a partner. Each are then made to fight each other - to the death! In a scene reminiscent of Battle Royale, the hobo clan is struck with confusion, but since sensei is such a friendly chap, they do him this favour. Way to get rid of half your cast.
The remaining five return to the great wise sensei, who is not to be questioned, and are assigned their mission. Azumi and her gang are to kill three evil warlords because of some promise somebody made, some time ago. Before they can do that, however, they need to watch as a village chock-full of women and children are mercilessly slaughtered by some completely unrelated people. A ninja appears out of nowhere, makes an inside joke with sensei, then disappears again.
The first warlord is easily dispatched during a fishing trip, but the second warlord is under the protection of a troupe of ninjas, led by a half-monkey, half-man ninja lord. The movie does not proceed to make clear in any way the reason why this man has a monkey face, but in a movie full of historical facts, who am I to question? I have seen monkeys perform tricks before.
Azumi and the gang proceed to kill who they think is the warlord, but turns out to be his double, and in revenge the man opens up a case of ninja and throws them all over the movie. When Azumi is done killing them all, only one man can turn the tide: a homosexual samurai. Immune to her charm, and also quite good with a sword, he kills one or two of the gang and retreats to a town full of pirates, leaving a trail of rose petals behind. Female samurai, ninjas, pirates; can this movie get any better?
Yes it can! Sensei and the remaining men go on ahead and invade the pirate town. They manage to kill a lot of ninjas and even more pirates, but eventually sensei is captured and his men killed by the gay samurai. Good for him that Azumi was trailing behind, picking flowers and dancing with the butterflies. She moves in and confronts the girly swordsman whilst behind her, one of her buddies rises from the dead and further explains the kamikaze concept as he tightens his bomb girdle and blows up the ninja monkey. Azumi commits hate crime and slays her gay assailant, rescues her sensei, kills the warlord, but sensei dies anyway. Movie ends!
Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (who later did Godzilla part 28) in 2003, this is 142 minutes of people dying. Kill Bill doesn't even come close to the sheer volume of people killed in this movie, nor can I think of many other movies that do. For this reason alone, it's worth watching. Add the fact that Azumi is not an unattractive samurai and there's a ninja monkey teaming up with pirates, and it becomes much more than that. Arigato!
Final rating:
Four stars!
Azumi, you silly movie, who wants to watch a hot chick killing hundreds of people with swords? Wait, everyone does! They've even made a sequel!
Labels: Aya Ueto, four stars, Japan, Ryuhei Kitamura, Yoshio Harada
posted by Mab at 13:10,
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Music: Kenny G
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Ingredients:
1 Saxophone
A meeting of great minds, how nice
Like Einstein and Sporty Spice
Digitally fused in an abortion
Oh, Kenny fans will doubtless rave
While Satchmo turns inside his grave
Soprano man's bit off more than his portion
What is it that has made Kenny G so successful, or rather, what is it that has made him so successful in Asia? Clearly, there is nothing like reading your local engrish newspaper in a dimly lit hotel lobby of choice to the smoothening tunes of Kenny's third leg, the saxophone. That cheese and mushroom pizza really goes with the sound - no matter if it's 30 minutes late. Elevators worldwide slowly ascend as the man with the plan pitches it up a notch. Celebrate the G! Hurray for Kenny!
In reality, there is only one Ken whose existence I will endorse. This particular one has rightfully earned his fame through struggle and hardship, and never backs down in the face of challenge. Unlike Kenny G, this man's works are his own even though Ryu can also do a dragon punch but I think he stole it from Ken, and if you press backwards, down, and A he does an awesome flying kick.
The reason Kenny G has become successful in Asia to the point that he is actually doing tours there, is because other musicians have become successful there. The Carpenters, the Eagles, George Michael, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand; due to an unmistakable hunger for cheese, Kenny has taught himself to play exactly the kind of music the Asian public has familiarised themselves with, as far as western music is concerned. If this was intentional, Kenny, then you are one evil genius. More likely, it's not.
But it does make sense. See, how often have you found yourself in a karaoke bar and, microphone shoved in your face, being forced to sing a duet with Celine Dion about sinking boats which, to be frank, is an impossibility even with the volume turned down? I know I have. Hence, Kenny G is the ultimate karaoke rendition of all your favourite songs (Carpenters reference - I am tainted)! By eliminating the vocals and spreading his music to every elevator and coffee bar, Kenny has provided in a need for the Asian people. The need to be able to anywhere, at any point, burst into a spectacular rendition of 'Yesterday Once More', undisturbed in their attempt to phonetically approximate the lyrics by the original singers.
For this, Kenny, I applaud you. You have succesfully penetrated the Asian market with predatory strategy. Your great vision anticipated what would happen, and removing the vocals on beforehand has made your product readily available and thanks to that, Kenny G, we will now be forced to listen to your fucking saxophone no matter where we go or how long we stay. Thanks a lot, Kenny. Fuck you.
Final rating:
Two stars!
Kenny G gets two stars. One for his, most likely unintentional evil genius, and another because if it weren't for him, we'd be listening to someone play the fucking erhu. Not a favourable prospect.
posted by Mab at 14:04,
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Places: Rongshui county, China
Ingredients:
1 Sturdy Wuling van
Several dozen of Miao minority people
A handful of drunk party officials
2 Combatant ponies
As much rice wine as is available
Plough the van through 3 hours worth of mountain dirt roads. Unleash party officials on Miao minority girls and rice wine. Watch ponies fight. Ponder meaning of life.
Rongshui is a small city, or at a broader level, a county in northern Guangxi, China. Many people of the Miao-minority reside in this region, and as a result, visiting the area is much like going to the zoo for the Chinese. Several designated 'model villages' exist where every day, troups of (mostly Chinese) tourists are loaded and unloaded and entertained for the day. So, too, were we.
Rongshui: Venice of the east
On arrival, visitors are greeted with an obligatory bowl of rice wine instead of empty buckets. Then, the cheerful Miao, obviously ecstatic and overcome with joy by our surprise visit to their wonderful village, burst into singing a special minority rendering of 'The East is Red'. A nearby party official assured me that we were the only outsiders to ever have witnessed this. The Chinese show their great appreciation with a half-arsed round of applause and move inside for a session of their national sports; eating. A most orgasmic pleasure for the company I am so fortunate to share my table with, and while they all point out one delicious, unique minority dish after the other I cannot help but think, it's still just rice and vegetables to me.
Quickly does my mood change however, when the first girls appear, and in their hands the anticipated bottles of rice wine. Aforementioned party official now shows an even bigger grin and assures me that "we will never drink as much as we will drink tonight". But first, the ritual! The Miao girls approach their unsuspecting customers, yank them by their ears, and pour a bowl of drink down their throats. To this I can relate! Further enhanced is my joy when it becomes clear that it is customary to retaliate and grab said girl, pin her to the ground, and make her drink three times as much. At least, the party officials seem to be under this assumption, but the girls themselves seem to have temporarily forgotten about this tradition and flee into the back rooms. Understandable my disappointment, then, when I am left without rice wine.
Fighting horses, where art thou?
Visitors are not given much time to weep, however, as the clattering of hooves can be heard from the courtyard, where ponies are made to fight to the death! Surely nothing will withhold these ferocious minority creatures from whinnying each other to bits? I am wrong again, as the ponies briefly engage in some sort of clapping game and then retreat to the stables for a smoke and a game of cards, having brought in the revenue for the day.
But it doesn't stop here, as the campfire is lit and out come the girls again, cautiously and without booze. They throw a few things into the crowd and proclaim that the lucky gentlemen having catched one of these can step forward and proceed to be married to the girls. It must have been somewhere during this sentence that my boasting friend the party official placed one in my lap. Fast forward through half an hour of emptying cups of rice wine and giving each of the girls a piggy-back ride, we are now married and have to pay our brides a small wedding fee. Gah, tricked! I give her 5 mao ($0,05) and the crowd boos me off the stage.
Disappointment again. I spend the rest of my evening a confused, emotional wreck. I am a living set of blue balls. The special minority food turned out to be the exact same as everything else you can eat in this country. The drunken orgy of females and rice wine was quickly dismantled by my over-eager companions. The horses were ponies and their fight was reminiscent of a nursery throw down. I got myself a minority wife, but had to pay for it and wasn't allowed to take her back to the hotel. I was scammed, robbed of my honour, my money, and my pleasure. Rongshui, you could have been it all, but you weren't.
Final rating:
Three stars!
So close, but never quite there. It's a good idea, this Rongshui place, but let this be a lesson for them. I'll be back to see if they do any better in the future... What I marry, stays mine!
posted by Mab at 01:00,
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Oldboy
Monday, April 09, 2007
Ingredients:
1 Park Chan-wook
1 Choi Min-sik
A claw hammer, scissors, a broken CD
1 Octopus (live)
Put Park on a chair, lock Choi up for 15 years, release, add crude weaponry and octopus. Watch the ensuing spectacle on a couch for 120 minutes. Add beer when needed.
It's hard to go wrong with Choi Min-sik (Shiri, Taegukgi) in your movie. He looks like a bit of a boat person in most of his movies, carefully balanced on the edge of hysteria and psychopathic murder. One of either usually happens. In this particular case, it's both. What happens when one Korean locks up another Korean for 15 years without giving him a reason or any form of contact with anyone else, and then sets him free with the message "if you find me in five days, I will kill myself. If not, I will kill that girl you really care for because you just met her at the restaurant you went to after I set you free just now"? This movie, that's what happens!
Basically, Korean 2 (Choi) complies like a good boy (but old, hence the movie title), but first he needs to relearn his social skills. He practices on a suicidal man on top of a roof by forcing him to listen to his story, and then leaving without listening to the suicidal man's story. Cut to a scene of the man crashing into the pavement below. With that out of the way, Choi starts looking for a restaurant that serves the exact same dumplings as he was fed every day for fifteen years, because I guess they were so delicious. Having found the place, he shows off his newly trained social skills by eating a live octopus to impress a nearby girl. The girl, named Mi-do, instantly falls in love with the primate.
The next half hour or so this movie turns 18+ as Korean 2 finds out that Korean 1 used to go to school with him and goes by the name of Woo-jin. He does this by making love to Mi-do, pulling teeth with a claw hammer, and beating up a corridor full of gangsters. It turns out the reason for Woo-jin to imprison Choi was that back in high school, he'd seen Woo-jin have sex with his sister and spread the news, leading to the girl's suicide. Choi tracks Woo down, confronts him with this information, and now probably expecting Woo to kill himself, he learns something different instead. Woo-jin has played the ultimate prank on him, because Mi-do turns out to be Choi's daughter, and thus the circle of incest is complete!
For reasons that must make sense in Korea, Choi starts barking like a dog and then cuts his own tongue off. Woo-jin gets into an elevator and blows his own brains out, and the entire thing cuts to a frame in a snowy landscape in the middle of nowhere. There's a strange encounter with a hypnotist and the movie ends in an attempt to leave viewers somewhat puzzled. The real clue to this scene however, is that they took the entire set and moved it to New Zealand for five minutes of snowy footage where you really don't get to see anything apart from Choi and his therapist frollicking in the snow. They could obviously not have done this in Korea.
Well, aside from the wickedly cruel plot and excessive violence with a variety of household items, this movie is further awesomified because the live octopus Choi bit into at the restaurant, was an actual live octopus! About three or four of them died just to make this movie. That, my friends, is a shining beacon of hope in the world of PC movies and animal rights protestors today.
Final rating:
Five stars!
Oldboy is both exceedingly violent and cruel and the hysteric characters go completely bonkers during the final scenes, which got me bouncing on the couch like a 5-year old with ADD!
Labels: Choi Min-sik, five stars, Kang Hye-jeong, Korea, Park Chan-wook
posted by Mab at 15:23,
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Blast from the past - panda reviewed
Sunday, April 08, 2007
We're back you silly bunch of asiaphiles! And what better way to kick it all off by doing a most scandalous rewrite of the most scandalous post of last version, good for numerous comments of outrage! You've guessed it right, men and women of the internet; today we review the panda. Come to think of it, I'm just too disgusted to write about this. Here is the original post, with a few slight modifications.
What the fuck is wrong with these pandas?
I went to the panda zoo in Chengdu once, which is perhaps one of the more boring things I have done in my life. Until recently, I mostly hated badgers. Now, I hate pandas. (09/04 - I now suspect them to be family!)
I'm really glad they are endangered, I mean, it's about time. There's not a whole lot pandas are doing to preserve themselves, anyway. They just sort of sit there, nibbling away on a sheet of bamboo (which some time long ago, a hungry monk saw, and since then the Chinese, too, eat bamboo) and kind of ponder the problem. I don't really understand why they haven't gone extinct a long time ago. They will only eat bamboo and need weird bamboo-corridors to move because they won't pack lunch when moving around. If they cannot at any point during the day sit down and reach for a pole of bamboo, there's a lot of trouble. Why is the only thing pandas will eat bamboo, which isn't even food, but wood? Have you ever seen anyone build houses out of, say, slabs of steak? Have you ever seen anyone eat bricks for breakfast? I've
not, so why do pandas not understand the purpose of natural resources, like anyone else does?
So, when I was in this 'panda zoo' - a very accurate description; imagine a zoo but take out the animals in every cage and replace them all by some pandas instead. I was kind of sheepishly wandering around trying to find the pandas, which was much like finding Waldo. Out of around 30 cages or 'areas' (cages with trees) I've seen only, maybe five pandas, although there would be hundreds of signs posted around saying stuff like "this is chi-chi" and "here lives poo-poo". Pandas always have double names, because this is considered cute and obviously these pathetic creations are to be considered that, much like how a retarded child or your demented grandmother going for a wee in the closet would be considered 'cute'.
The most interesting species I came across in the panda zoo was the red panda, which is not a panda but much more like a squirrel or a raccoon. I guess they figured out long ago there was never any future in looking like a massive black and white furby. There were also several drunken panda in a particularly large cage, subsidized by the Sichuan 'panda'-cigarette factory. They were hanging around in trees and pushing some old tires around, and this one time I think they started fighting but halfway during the first lunge by the bigger panda, they both felt tired and decided to call it quits, after which another panda fell out of the tree with a loud groan. Then all the pandas started eating some bamboo, and it was clear they had done enough for the day.
I really hate pandas, and it is most fortunate that female pandas can only get it on one day a year. All pandas are invariably lazy and thick and so I don't think they will actually even realize when it's 'that time of the year' and if they do they will probably prefer eating some more bamboo anyway.
I also punched a panda in the nose once, when he came too close to the cage, but that is another story.
And so, we arrive at the conclusion! How well do the pandas perform in the great scale of things? Is there even a proper way to measure such impotence? There is!
Final rating:
One star!
Pandas are the saddest thing to happen to China since they invented gunpowder and thought there was nothing left to invent so stopped progressing as a civilization since then. Not even the dodo would steep so low!
posted by Mab at 01:26,
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