... of glowsticks & dice

Music: Kenny G
Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ingredients:
1 Saxophone

A meeting of great minds, how nice
Like Einstein and Sporty Spice
Digitally fused in an abortion
Oh, Kenny fans will doubtless rave
While Satchmo turns inside his grave
Soprano man's bit off more than his portion

What is it that has made Kenny G so successful, or rather, what is it that has made him so successful in Asia? Clearly, there is nothing like reading your local engrish newspaper in a dimly lit hotel lobby of choice to the smoothening tunes of Kenny's third leg, the saxophone. That cheese and mushroom pizza really goes with the sound - no matter if it's 30 minutes late. Elevators worldwide slowly ascend as the man with the plan pitches it up a notch. Celebrate the G! Hurray for Kenny!

In reality, there is only one Ken whose existence I will endorse. This particular one has rightfully earned his fame through struggle and hardship, and never backs down in the face of challenge. Unlike Kenny G, this man's works are his own even though Ryu can also do a dragon punch but I think he stole it from Ken, and if you press backwards, down, and A he does an awesome flying kick.

The reason Kenny G has become successful in Asia to the point that he is actually doing tours there, is because other musicians have become successful there. The Carpenters, the Eagles, George Michael, Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand; due to an unmistakable hunger for cheese, Kenny has taught himself to play exactly the kind of music the Asian public has familiarised themselves with, as far as western music is concerned. If this was intentional, Kenny, then you are one evil genius. More likely, it's not.

But it does make sense. See, how often have you found yourself in a karaoke bar and, microphone shoved in your face, being forced to sing a duet with Celine Dion about sinking boats which, to be frank, is an impossibility even with the volume turned down? I know I have. Hence, Kenny G is the ultimate karaoke rendition of all your favourite songs (Carpenters reference - I am tainted)! By eliminating the vocals and spreading his music to every elevator and coffee bar, Kenny has provided in a need for the Asian people. The need to be able to anywhere, at any point, burst into a spectacular rendition of 'Yesterday Once More', undisturbed in their attempt to phonetically approximate the lyrics by the original singers.

For this, Kenny, I applaud you. You have succesfully penetrated the Asian market with predatory strategy. Your great vision anticipated what would happen, and removing the vocals on beforehand has made your product readily available and thanks to that, Kenny G, we will now be forced to listen to your fucking saxophone no matter where we go or how long we stay. Thanks a lot, Kenny. Fuck you.

Final rating:
Two stars!
Kenny G gets two stars. One for his, most likely unintentional evil genius, and another because if it weren't for him, we'd be listening to someone play the fucking erhu. Not a favourable prospect.

posted by Mab at 14:04,

6 comments:

At 10 April, 2007 19:40, Spike said...: I was once on an airplane with Kenny G. I'm ashamed to say I didn't kill him, even smiled and nodded my head as we passed in the aisles once.

Pat Metheny did the ultimate Kenny G putdown though:

http://www.jazzoasis.com/methenyonkennyg.htm

here's an excerpt from the above:

I first heard him a number of years ago playing as a sideman with Jeff Lorber when they opened a concert for my band. My impression was that he was someone who had spent a fair amount of time listening to the more pop oriented sax players of that time, like Grover Washington or David Sanborn, but was not really an advanced player, even in that style. He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble - Lorber was basically playing him off the bandstand in terms of actual music.

But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again). The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, played horribly out of tune - consistently sharp.
At 11 April, 2007 20:08, Anonymous said...: Do you think Kenny G knows Richard Clayderman? Are they friends? Are they lovers? Are they related?

Somehow the two of them have managed to get their tapes and CD's stocked in EVERY music shop in China.
At 12 April, 2007 15:34, Mab said...: Lovers, most likely. Oh no - what if they start working together?
At 10 May, 2007 12:20, Delon said...: Hey, when last did I hear Kenny-G... He hasn't released a CD for years here in South Africa - but then again, maybe I just haven't tried to look for his stuff... I won't be too harsh, his a great saxophonist.
At 10 October, 2007 02:22, R said...: If we could only get Kenny G, Celine Dion and the Backstreet Boys all on one plane, and then...

Hang on there's a knock at the door...

Shit, it's the feds...
At 28 November, 2011 09:26, Robert said...: This can't succeed in reality, that is what I think.
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